I haven’t written much to this blog lately. If you have been following my main blog, you know it’s been more-or-less non-stop action since February of this year, 10+ months. First I was in Guatemala and Mexico, came home and immediately (in a manic run that had even me, scared) produced and published the audiobook and Kindle version of the memoir. I started a motorcycle refurbishing and ebike business, sold my truck and consolidated finances, and then was informed by the commune that I needed to go. I have spent the last 3-4 months looking for a home and moving. I ended up landing here in the city of Albuquerque in a rented room — not at all the original plan. But deliriously happy.
Here in Albuquerque, starting in early November and in less than 4 weeks, to my surprise and shock, I completed and published part 1 of my current Magnum Opus, the book Relational Power. For good measure, I also published the paperback of the memoir. I had planned a book launch for the memoir, but Relational Power now trumps everything. The memoir has potential, and I will likely try and find a publisher, but Relational Power is where I want to put my energy. Relational power is my future, both professional and personal. I explain this below.
All this completed 10 days ago, Saturday,Dec. 3. I went to my friend to celebrate, “feeling no pain”, got heavily stoned and danced like a madman. Spent another week handling the 1000 details of publishing, updating websites etc. (given the incremental publishing strategy and crowd-sourcing idea, I had to figure out some things, such as how the Kindle buyers would get updates, etc.).
Then last sunday (4 days ago) I had a hard physical crash. I could hardly move my body, and if I forced myself I felt nauseous. I can still think and write, although reduced. And yet I am still, mostly, happy. It’s like a chronic fatigue (CFS) but without the depression — which of course makes it 100 times better than CFS, because the worst part of CFS is the depression. Last week I started to play tennis again — the first real exercise I have done in two year, outside of the canoe trip in Minnesota. I MAY still be able to play tennis, we’ll find out tonight. Gentle physical exercise is actually THE cure for CFS, but it has to be approached very cautiously and patiently, as over-doing it has the opposite effect.
Fortunately, the government now pays my rent, so being “sick” (with CFS or whatever) it in no a way a catastrophe. Especially as I am still mostly happy. The issue here is to what degree life needs to stop, especially the “plans for world domination”. I have become a complete slug, and I am not sure that I like myself in this state. At best, I need to accept that my “production” will be 25% of what it was before. Maybe even 10% of what is was before, given an extraordinarily productive November.
All this feels very strange to me. Every day something different, which is actually how I like it (although I also curse it). I crave some kind of “steady-state”, of being on my game all the time, but this rarely happens. I am not sure if this is “normal” or if this is bipolar, being off my game as often as I am. Probably normal, I would guess, although amplified by my bipolarity.
I do celebrate that I am not depressed — at least currently.
I attribute the reason to my current (relative) happiness is the surprise of finishing Relational Power Part 1 in less than a month — and then going ahead and publishing the unfinished book. That was bold. I was not at all imagining that I would write a sequel to the Circling Guide, mostly focused on “authentic relating on the street”. I believe that I am happy because I know its gold. At this point, nobody has finished reading the book (that I am aware of), and so nobody knows that its gold.
I know its gold because the book is documenting what I do in my groups, all of which (and I mean ALL OF THEM) are home-runs, whether I am leading or just participating. Even the very-beginner Albuquerque group I am leading is a home-run (once I am able to adjust my expectations), and this week we are actually having an in-person meeting over food, which is like Marco-heaven (food and A/R).
And finally, the book is gold because its a perfect “visiting card”, or excuse for networking. Anyone who is out to enliven the world through A/R practice is my natural ally, meaning they are also potential friends and lovers. Which is more important to me than anything else. Basically, there is no way to lose here.
And now, strangely, within this utterly intoxicating scenario of my new life, I get hit with CFS. But it’s not depressive. Its actually the first non-depressive CFS I have ever experienced. And very recent too, just 4 days old.
To be continued…
Has anyone else experienced a non-depressive CFS?
Tell me, I am curious, because this is a new experience for me.