This is an intensely personal post that came out of an email to my men’s group this morning, which is going through some transitions. I publish it here, with full awareness that I may regret it, but also the awareness that it is fully in the spirit of this blog: a place on the internet where I can publish my innermost thoughts, knowing that anybody finding this will be something of an accident. If you happen to read this, and you like it and/or feel a resonance, please write to me.
For context, see previous posts (which I replicated here from my author blog) San Marcos La Laguna, Guatemala: take-aways and Guatemala to Mazunte, Mexico; and 9 days at Hridaya Yoga. I am in the final weeks of a great 3 month travel adventure that has simply blown my mind, and the 22-day meditation retreat is really kicking my ass. As I write this, I am thinking that a few weeks of ass-kicking, whatever the outcome, might be salutory for me in my current intoxicated (semi-manic) state. Maybe that’s the ultimate truth, the ultimate learning, from this current experience.
Anyway, here goes
So yesterday i had a very eventful day, relationally. I had some powerful engagements relating to D. (the crypto entrepreneur), our group, and my ex. The yoga (4 hours a day) is getting easier and more pleasurable daily (I would still not say “easy”). I ended the day with a lovely swim in the ocean, that left me feeling very happy. But the night was difficult, even with the seroquel. There was a nightclub blaring until almost 3am. I skipped the morning meditation today for coffee and this writing. My head is spinning, I am troubled, I am scared. I am essentially a prisoner here for the next 10 days. My needs (this is my story) are somewhat different from the kids here. I am unhappy without deep relational culture (they do score more than zero here for that, the Heart Circles are fantastic, but its not enough) and I have two platforms ready to launch that I am a bit obsessed with. I am itching to be home.
Yesterday I spoke to a few people about creating a group here — I need deep relational culture to thrive, and running groups is the quickest way for me to achieve that — but did not get much interest. They are still kids (very sweet kids, all), mostly in some overwhelm with the program (which, from my perspective, is not a complete developmental system because it lacks deep relational culture), and I am still the oldest guy here. I need to get more deliberate about my one-on-ones, is the only idea i have. When I return home, of course, that will be a big part of my life. 3-4 networking calls daily is the program. That is access to power, in addition to the fun of it. I spoke with my ex about it yesterday, she agrees. It needs a tracking system for all my contacts, a kind of CRM.
But whether or not the group here happens, it has become evident that surrender is probably going to be easier than fighting the structure during my time here. Which could be a profound experience for me, to get through my lifetime block around meditation. My personality is just very, very yang, always living into the future, in constant motion. There is a part of this which is inherent to my personality (and to my genius) and there is a part which is compulsive, a trauma-response to quote R.’s immortal words. There is every reason to engage this, as I stand now on the threshold of power, as with increasing power lies the potential to create more harm as well. A. is serving me here, although he’s not doing it consciously.
That is where I am at and wanting to communicate. I am not entirely clear yet what my resistance to meditation is, but I have an inkling of it. It is my BROKEN-HEARTEDNESS. Specifically this “40-year war” that has (apparently) put me on the threshold of power: I have the thing that the world desperately needs (understanding of deep relational culture and how to create it), which I have been enrolling very successfully (although not here at Hridaya); I have a magnificent book that describes all this (actually, 3 magnificent books); and yet it is so difficult to get traction (or buy-in) for any of this. People barely read my emails or my blogs (are y’all even reading this? I know C. does, the others I am not certain because you very rarely respond), there is a vast intellectual gap with my family, I can’t get any sensual or sexual action at all, etc. It would be so easy to go into a pity-party here. That’s actually a good idea: go willingly into a 10-day pity-party and see what comes of it?
There is a quote by David Deida, something like: “Don’t expect the world to bow down at your feet. It will knock you about so hard you will think you are dying, before it opens the gates to success and freedom”. And also: “The superior man is not seeking fulfillment through work and woman, because he is already full. For him, work and intimacy are opportunities to give his gifts, and to be vanished in the bliss of giving”. In other words: when success becomes a NEED (as opposed to a gift) things can get quite messy.
As I write this, I am actually feeling grateful that success is still eluding me. If I were already generating the level of success that I want, I would probably be insufferable to others. Or worse, a drunk or drug-addict like Ernest Hemingway and Marilyn Monroe.
We’ll see what happens. This process is so excruciating for me, I will probably sign-up for their 10 day meditation retreat at some point. That is the follow-up to this. Maybe something to do once a year.
Thanks for reading me.