Posting again here, with the joy of no-inhibitions. Another “not featured” post. Something like most people would write in their “morning pages” [Julia Cameron]. The type of writing any normal person would want to keep to themselves, but I am not normal 🙂
I have been on a wild ride since Monday and and trying to unpack the reasons for it. The truth is that I am pretty much constantly on a wild ride (except when I am not, e.g. when I crash with some physical or emotional symptom, or just overwhelm). On Monday I had some kind of a physical crash which I wrote about on my previous post. It only lasted 4 hours, but for those hours I was in hell. Unable to do anything physically, sick, lying in bed full of hopeless and depressive thoughts. It may have been a reaction to the Kava Kava I have been taking for sleep, so of course I have stopped taking it, but that was the night before. It was just weird, I could not track it at all in terms of causality. Usually when I have these reactions I blame it on my on-and-off alcoholism, but I had been 4 days sober at the time so it wasn’t that.
The next day I went into all-out mania of the productive kind. A lot of writing, in particular. A long “open letter” to the community I live in, a powerful visit with one of my community members, an NPR pre-interview on a topic I am knowledgeable about, some work on the farm (we are building a new chicken coop), a very successful introduction to Mastermind Circling (the first introduction of the new series), and finally Tuesday’s mega-post to this blog.
The following day, Wednesday, was slower (thank God) but still very productive, and the next day, Thursday, slower still, which I was grateful for. It was a kind of manic-slowness, meaning that miracles were still happening. I had one brilliant idea, which is to offer Mastermind Circles as a free weekly event to the AR Facilitators Facebook group of about 1500 people, a group which includes pretty much everyone who is doing anything in the space. And I enrolled a co-lead for the events (I need a co-lead if we get more than 6 people in order to breakout). But Thursday, on top of the previous two days, was just too much excitement. I ended up drinking alcohol yesterday, just before the weekly men’s group that I have been leading for 3+ years, thus breaking a week-long sober trip. I did get feedback at the group that if I could drink just once per week, that’s probably okay; and I agree.
Very surprisingly I woke up this morning, Friday, feeling calm and rested. I have promised myself during this week and next to go on a kind of “success fast”. My theory is that bipolarity is a kind of “addiction to success” and that if I could give it up (my obsession with “success”), I would be just fine. And probably more productive, as well, ultimately. I am too attached to my success, which sometimes, by the way, makes me a bit of an asshole. Especially when I am unhappy. Anyway, my goal for this week and next, has been to do as little as possible. I can go into full-on production mode come December, I have been saying to myself. Right now I just need to “rest and regroup”. But that’s not how it has worked out.
Today, Friday, is even quieter still. I am doing a little writing now, had a great circle, a guest coming for lunch (an exciting event, partly because it’s so rare), and a construction party at the commune.
But other than that… nothing pressing for the next 10 days, and nothing at all for the rest of the day. I have ongoing groups to lead and promote but they are mostly all setup. I am way behind on a lot of projects, but nothing urgent.
Do I have the strength and resolve and clarity to continue my “success fast”???
If so — what to do with all the time I have on my hands? This is the usual problem, by the way. Do I have the strength to just “be” with that?